I hate duties

can't believe that I am currently blogging in camp, well as the title stated, I really hate duties... It is not the idea of doing one, but an idea of doing it alone, and in the midst of immense boredom, it gives me alot of room to think like an emotional creature...

I believe that most NSFs will agree with me, they can take shits coming their way, provided that someone is there to undergo the same amount of pressure and workload with them, however, duties are usually alone, and I hate it, like I had emphasised, its not the idea of doing it... but I really detest it when I have to walk a lonely road to the headquarters to return the keys, and spend the same load of time walking back to my bunk..

There is alot of time to think, and it really switches off one part of my brain and switches on the other, from a logical and efficient worker in the day, in a midst of a sudden, I gradually become an emotional creature, one that stops thinking rationally, one that bangs on the worst, one that keep thinking of his problems, with relationships, with life, rather than focusing on whats ahead...

I think that NS keeps man thinking, especially the more unfortunate ones like me, I would say, I really hate it, from the fact that I am slower than most people my age in entering the army... while they will be discussing about university projects, grades, getting girlfriends, getting a job and making their first million or buying their first car, I am still counting down to months to ORD... Its very sad, from the fact that my months to ORD are more than some of my friends' days to ORD... sad isn't it?

I begin to regret going to poly, but I jolly well know I can't do a shit to reverse my life, I'm stucked in an abyss, one which is stucked between the army and civillians... I find no point going on frequent nights out anymore, because it isn't fun doing it anymore.. it drains me and just remind me that booking out doesn't solve problems in the civillian world... I feel like doing one, but not both, but I can't..

I was given chances to go overseas for service of the nation, but my FFI fails me, I can't even concentrate going away for a year or two, to let things here stand the test of time..

I'm really afraid, to step out, to grow up, and learn that I have to do everything up to expectations, or whatever my brains can carry... I fear failure, I hate to fail, but I do not know how I can succeed without first failing.. I hate prejudiced eyes looking at my life, and judges who judge whether my life have been successful, whether I have been rich, owned a house, a sports car and a family of kids..

I was very reluctant to grow up when I learn that I was graduating, and now I hate it more, knowing that the reality is coming closer, and I can't seem to find a route for me to go about, I can't see the light which shines, I can't see the help which I needed, I can't comprehend how I will be like, how I will behave, how I will strive the way I had promised myself...

I'm really afraid, afraid of starting out, starting to do something, knowing that it will not turn out the way I hope it will in the end, but at the same time, I know that not starting is not going to do anything good to me....

Perhaps, I really need a time of get away, from this place, these people, those expectations, and go overseas for a year or two, so that it will mature my mind, to think rationally of what matters most, and what don't, and to let myself stand the test of time...

Now, I understand why NSF's hates extras so much..